I have been putting off writing this post because it will not put me in a very good light. But here it goes anyway!
My sixteen year old daughter has finally decided to start “going out” with someone since her breakup with Baby Huey. I say “going out” because she only sees him at school. She has decided to start seeing a boy who is black. We are white. No, I am not a racist. I think white people should date white people. I know the boy’s family and his mother agrees with me that they should not date each other due to the color of their skin. What I find funny is that neither father knows about them “going out.”
This situation has been going on for about a month now. I have told my daughter that this boy will never be allowed to pick her up at my house for a date. They have been friends for a number of years and I told her that this is the way it should stay.
So what do you do when you don’t like your daughter’s new boyfriend? Hmm let’s see. So far I have threatened to tell her father, I have purposely not told her about phone calls from him and with the help of the boy’s mother we have made sure they don’t go to the movies or mall together.
This weekend I pulled out the best weapon of all, guilt from the dead! I happened to tell my brother about the situation and he made the comment “I bet Mom is rolling over in her grave! She better watch her butt because her grammy just might zap her with a bolt of lightening!” I of course ran right to my daughter and gave her the words of wisdom her Uncle told me.
I found my daughter writing a break up note to this boy last night. She told me she didn’t want to date someone her family didn’t approve of.
My work is done. You gotta love guilt! It works everytime!
The Eyes In The Back Of My Head 
javajunkee
/ January 6, 2009hhhhmmmm 45 and a shovel..is that out?
Nope not yet! Knowing my daughter the note was just a way to get me off her butt! 🙂
nikki
/ January 6, 2009LOL I like your style javajunkee!! I hope my son only dates nice girls. Ask me this again in a few years!!! Girls can be so caddy and snobby, oh man I don’t even want to think about this yet!!
Just a Mom
/ January 6, 2009Nikki ~ Don’t think about it until you have too! Enjoy what little time you have left of them not being teens!
Mr Geek
/ January 7, 2009Your first sentence is not wrong.
How do you see these two consecutive sentences as not being contradictory?
No, I am not a racist. I think white people should date white people.
The American Heritage® Dictionary defines racism as
rac·ism n.
1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.
Now I have no idea of your position on 1. but to me it look as though you are clearly practising number 2.
I can sympathise with the idea of not liking the boy, but the rest of the post is just plain unpleasant. It is a shame because the question was otherwise intriguing.
Joy
/ January 7, 2009How in the world did I miss this post??? I was here yesterday!!!
This is such a tough thing. I’m so fortunate to have liked all the girls my boys brought home. There wasn’t a stable full of them or anything but I liked them all. If I could be king and make all the rules, I’d really prefer all the races to stay together. I like all people and have have no issues of any kind with anyone but it’s just something I feel inside.
I just can’t imagine hating someone that my kids wanted to date but I also understand how hard this must be for you. Are you starting to miss Baby Huey??
I am NOT racist nor am I prejudice in any way. I just feel when it comes to dating, mating and marrying, we should all stay with what we are. I’m not talking about not being friends with others or loving them or anything like that. I just feel when we marry, no matter what or who we are, we should marry within our own race. If someone chooses to do this of course it’s up to them and I’d still like them. I’m just talking about a perfect world where I can make all the rules. I don’t think that’s gonna happen though I can still dream.
Mr Geek, Just A Mom never said one word about thinking she’s better than anyone. Obviously she and the boys mother are friends because they have talked about it. Is the boys mother a racist too because she feels the same way. There is a way to be friends without the dating and marrying.
javajunkee
/ January 7, 2009I think everybody is entitled to their own opinion on this. I can’t say for sure that if my daughter was dating a guy of a different race that would be the first thing that would send up a flare for me. I’ve got a really llllllllllllloooong list of conditions on dating my daughter…and she’s 21. I’m more concerned that the dude would be a virgin. That’s one thing I’ve told my kid..and it’s going to be hard to find but they are out there. I said she’s kept herself pure all of these years why would she put herself at risk for ANYBODY who isn’t. And he better treat her right or he WILL answer to me. I don’t care how big or tough he thinks he is..there is nothing stronger than one pissed off mom protecting her young. Like I said..got a 45 and a shovel and don’t have a problem using either if you hurt either of my kids. And he better be a good job candidate..she’s not hooking up with a lazy ass who will keep them on welfare. NOPE! She’s career oriented and she better have her sights on somebody else who puts that much thought into where they will be in 20 – 30 years. I’m not talking wealthy…she’s not about that but she’s all about being self supporting. They better show signs of being a good dad somewhere down the line. If I see signs of that being a no-go…OUT the door skippy!
…that’s just part of the list. Her first “crush” was a boy of a different race and I LOVED that kid. They weren’t old enough to “hook up” but they were really good friends and I told her sometimes a relationship can ruin a friendship. (her father and I are finding that out after 23 years of marriage)..so that’s another thing to think about. That’s not always the way it works out I know lots of couples who are still best friends..didn’t work out that way for us…and she’s a mini-me so she needs to consider that.
I don’t know this is hard being a mom and trying to figure out where do we draw the line…what do we say..what do we do?
I find it cool that you and the other mom are on the same page. That’s a good thing. If you all feel that way then there is a good chance maybe it’s best they don’t date. I think all of you see more to it than just a race thing. I think there are other red flags that are being thrown up and the fact that you as moms feel the same way…well that’s cool and I give you props for keeping it civil!
Mr Geek
/ January 7, 2009Joy: As I said I have no knowledge of a sense of superiority, and this is besides the point. What reason is there that “white people should date white people” other than prejudice? It is the NIMBY (Not in my back yard) approach to equality. Just A Mom has given no other reasons for disliking the boy other than the color of his skin yet she is willing to sabotage her daughters relationship with the boy, tell her that he “will never be allowed to pick her up at my house for a date”.
I am not saying that you don’t get to say what you prefer for your child, each to his own, but you can’t then go on to say that it does not make you a Racist … Yes it does. By definition Yes it does! Do you go out in bed robes and set fire to crosses … maybe not … but don’t kid yourself YES IT DOES.
You have said that he can not go out with he purely because of the color of his skin.
And as for the boy’s mother that feels the same way about her son going out with a white girl, guess what she is a racist too!
Just a Mom
/ January 7, 2009Wow! Did I drop one heck of a bomb!
Mr.Geek ~ It is what it is. My house my rules. If that makes me a racist than so be it.
Joy ~ Baby Huey is starting to look good to me. Please help! 🙂
javajunkee ~ I like your standards!
javajunkee
/ January 7, 2009Mr. Geek..your definition then of racist does not hold up your thinking that anybody is being a racist. The definition below does not fit anything that has been discussed. I find it funny that you can’t even say something like she said as a mother without being judged a racist….that’s total BS in my book!
If two mothers think this isn’t a good idea..that does not make them racists. A LOT of people I know in several different ethnic groups still hold onto the marrying into your own race. ( I don’t have an issue with it ..and that’s my own thing)…a lot of those people think of when they have children and the whole culture differences…it has NOTHING to do with them being against that race.
I think you are pretty ballsy to come over here and blast racism!
racist
adjective
1. based on racial intolerance; “racist remarks”
2. discriminatory especially on the basis of race or religion
noun
1. a person with a prejudiced belief that one race is superior to others
javajunkee
/ January 7, 2009yeah and now the flaming has started. I am sooooooo flipping tired of having to be “tolerant” of EVERYTHING or you got some joker throwing down a racist card!! HELL NO!
Mr Geek
/ January 7, 2009Just a Mom: Agreed. She is your daughter and I respect your right to do what you believe to be the best. It seems strange to say that I was not wanting to offend you when I said that what you said was racist, as I understand that the word is highly charged. I just disagree with you definition of what is and is not racist behaviour.
javajunkee: I simply pointed out that even by your definition (#2) …
“discriminatory especially on the basis of race or religion”
… banning ones daughter from going out with a boy based on the color of his skin is behaving in a racist manner.
There was no talk of concern for ethnic difficulties, and how best to avoid them. There was no other reason put forward as to the unsuitability of the boy, merely that the boy was black. Just because the other mother has similar prejudices does not make it any less racist.
This is not flaming, I have not been “throwing down a racist card”, Just a Mom brought up the subject of being a racist, I just pointed out that I don’t believe she is correct in her interpretation of what is and isn’t racism. I am also not saying anyone has to be tolerant. I understand that I don’t get to say what others do or don’t do. I am not even saying that being a racist makes someone an inherently bad person (I would suggest it might not be their best feature).
Just a Mom
/ January 7, 2009Mr. Geek ~ I am not offended by your comments. Your opinion is welcome here.
Now let’s play nice children! 🙂
Elena
/ January 7, 2009I’m afraid I must agree with Mr. Geek and say that I find it discriminatory to disapprove of someone based solely on their ethnicity or skin color, but I also have to back up a parent’s right to protect their own children by whatever means necessary.
Just a Mom- I have to say I admire you for having a blog where you welcome voices from the other side of an issue! That is wonderful.
I have been in the position of having my daughter dating someone I disapprove of (he had dropped out of high school, had no social or conversational skills, no ambition… frankly I don’t know what she saw in this person.) After I met him she asked me what I thought and I gave a very lukewarm reaction, something to the effect of “he’s okay.”
About a month later they had broken up after he had cheated on her and done all sorts of other hurtful things, and I said I knew he was rotten. She wanted to know why I hadn’t said anything, and I said, “If I’d forbidden you from seeing him or had any negative reaction, it would have driven you towards him out of spite.” She couldn’t argue. Unfortunately, that is the sort of relationship we have. Dysfunctional, probably, but my mother and I were the same way, so I’m not sure how else to do it!
javajunkee
/ January 7, 2009again 45 and a shovel thrown out here 🙂 (now more or less kidding with that)..but don’t think it wouldn’t cross my mind if some dirtwad hurts my daughter. Emotionally or physically. Color in this case is neither here nor there.
javajunkee
/ January 7, 2009now I’m going back over here on the other side of the sandbox to play. Sorry I got so defensive..I guess it’s cuz we just went through this racial thing with another friend blogger and I’m still in defense mode because of that. If you are cool with this debate..I’m gonna be over here building castles in the sand!
Just a Mom
/ January 9, 2009The great thing about blogging is to see other points of views. Even if I disagree with them, I don’t mind hearing them.
OK nobody is allowed to knock over javajunkee’s sand castles! 🙂
nikki
/ January 9, 2009You know what? I didn’t even comment about the fact that you don’t want your daughter to date outside her race…for one reason…YOUR DAUGHTER~YOUR RULES! I’d like to stay with Javajunkee on the other side of the sand box! I don’t think this makes you a racist…just wanted to say that!
Just a Mom
/ January 9, 2009Nikki ~ Thanks. I know, lets build a Barbie Townhouse Sand Castle!
javajunkee
/ January 10, 2009hey somebody come get me …some smart ass kid buried me up to my neck!
Joy
/ January 10, 2009I’m on my way with a couple of shovels Java….
javajunkee
/ January 10, 2009hurry….these 2 straws he stuck up my nose aren’t helping.