The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

Warning! Warning! I have taken off my Purple Colored Glasses for this post!

I have seen enough damage from drug and alcohol abuse to last me a lifetime and then some. I grew up in an alcoholic household and somehow I managed to build one myself.

Growing up both my parents drank heavily and both were physically abusive to each other. My father stopped drinking when I was 13. He started going to A.A. meetings and he made my brother and I go to Al-Anon meetings. I hated those meetings and I hated my dad for making us go to them.

My parents divorced shortly after this time period because my mother would not get help for her own alcohol problems. I worshipped the ground my mother walked on and I never really saw that she had a problem. I always blamed my father for the divorce.

I never did drugs, I left that to my brother. I used to even rat him out and flush his stuff down the toilet.

As a teen, I would occasionally have a wine cooler or a beer but only in my house in front of my mom.  I did start drinking a little here and there in my 20’s. But it was only socially.

My mom passed away when I was in my mid 20’s and shortly after that I met my current husband and got married.

When I entered into my 30’s I began to drink a glass of wine every day after dinner and drinking beer at family get togethers. Very quickly it turned into having several glasses of wine after dinner and getting drunk at family get togethers.

My father passed away when I was 35. I had a very bad relationship with him and I had not talked to him for the past 5 years. I did manage to write him a letter before he died explaining my feelings. I dealt with his death by drinking more and more.

About a year and a half ago I drank so much that I thought I was going to die. I went to bed and the only thing that I remember was thinking if I lived through the night I would never, ever, drink again. I woke up the next morning and I have not had a single drop of alcohol since.

My kids love the fact that I no longer drink. They now know that if we go somewhere there will be at least one sober parent. They no longer have to worry about stupid parents who drink and drive. Basically, they don’t have to worry about dieing at a young age due to alcohol.

Now I find myself in the same situation that my dad must have been in. My husband refuses to see that he has a problem. He thinks I am just trying to be little miss perfect and that I think alcohol is the root of all evil.

He thinks it is normal to be on Xanax and drink 12 beers a day in just a few hours. The memory loss he has, he blames that on a cholesterol medicine. I actually overheard him tell his doctor today that he will no longer take the cholesterol medicine. I can’t wait to see what he blames next!

I just hope he can manage to wake up in the morning like I did when he finally hits rock bottom.

I find it somehow ironic that I have landed myself in my father’s shoes.

I will now put my Purple Colored Glasses back on I promise!

Two Scoops of Ice Cream Please

For the past few weeks I have been wondering why I have such a positive look on life. I know, strange thing to be wondering about, but hey that’s me!

My husband is just the opposite of me and is pessimistic to the point where it is actually starting to get on my nerves really bad. He has other issues right now that I think are not helping in this matter, but that is for a different post!

I came to the conclusion on my morning bike ride that being optimistic is really a matter of having faith. In my opinion there is a God and he does have a plan. Yes, bad things in life are going to happen that is a fact. I think it is how you deal with those things that really matter. Sometimes you just have to have a little faith, trust, whatever you want to call it.

About a year ago I came across a web page from a woman with whom I knew as a child. We were in Girl Scouts together. Julie was a year younger than me and I don’t think I ever saw her without a smile on her face. When I came across her web page she was 34 years old, married with 3 young kids and had Stage 4 Melanoma. She still had a smile on her face through it all. She knew her family would be taken care of and that when her body finally quit she would go to meet God.

She motivated me to get my shit together to put it simply. I just wish she could have known that before she passed away last November. Somehow I think she knows. Thanks a bunch Jules!

I quit smoking almost a year and a half ago and I knew it was not going to be easy. I was smoking 3 packs a day! I went through major withdrawals, I actually slept for 21 hours during day 2. But I kept thinking that at least I would be living a little bit longer for my kids.

My doctor than decided to scare the crap out of me and tell me my liver tests came back and they looked bad, real bad. I knew what the problem was, I drank to much. Easy solution for me, just stop drinking! Believe it or not I asked the big man for a little help. Done! I have been sober for 9 months.

I started to exercise to lose the 80 pounds I had put on over the years. Not drinking really helped this. Then I put the family on a eating better program. Well, I have lost 60 pounds in a year and only have 20 more to go!

I lost my job of 20 years because the owners finally decided to retire. I am lucky enough, I don’t have to work. So now I am getting to be more of a part of my kids life, whether they like it or not!

So to put all this rambling to an end, I will continue to look at the world as half full insted of half empty. Actually, I think I will look at the world as having 2 scoops of ice cream instead of 1!