All posts tagged funny

Your First Love & Your First Kiss

I’m going to address this writing assignment backwards. My first kiss occured in the hallway of my elementary school. I was in 2nd grade and I was headed back to class from a mid-class escape, I mean bathroom break. I can’t remember his name, but I know he was I the other 2nd grade class. He was with his friend and he grabbed me and bam kissed me. So I punched him in the face. I’m pretty sure my mom told me, “if a boy ever touched you, slug him.”

My first love…now this is a toughie. My first true love was a beautiful young man that I only got to see once a week. His name was Almanzo James Wilder, or Manly, as that little tramp, Laura Ingalls called him. 

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by Heather on February 15, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on February 15, 2016

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2016/02/15/your-first-love-your-first-kiss/

Return of Chris the Mouse

Several years ago my youngest daughter came to me and asked why she didn’t have an Elf that visits her. Some fool had introduced her to Elf On A Shelf. To this day we are still trying to figure out which parent to hang for this atrocity! That year there was not a single Elf On A Shelf to be found in my area and so Chris the Mouse was born.
As with all kids, my daughter grew up and Chris the Mouse stopped coming down to Texas on his Christmas vacation. That was until last night.
Sadly the past few years have not been good for him. I found out that Santa had to cut his labor force due to Obama Care and well, Chris the Mouse has not handled it well. He has turned to drinking and apparently he doesn’t handle his booze well. I don’t want to be around when he finds out that the severance pay he got is nothing but a freaking candy bar!

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by Heather on December 22, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on December 22, 2013

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2013/12/22/return-of-chris-the-mouse/

Who Does That…

I work for a small, family owned company. They are very easy going and very flexible. Our dress code has always been business casual. You know, jeans and a nice shirt.
We are a growing company and 6 months ago we hired a Front Office person. She is a young lady in her late twenties. She started out actually over dressing for our company and then she slowly started to relax. Well last week she relaxed just a bit too much for any of us. She walked in wearing a Superman t-shirt. But wait, there’s more! The t-shirt had a cape attached to it! I kid you not, she came to work in a freaking Super Hero outfit!
Maybe I’m just getting old, but who does that?

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by Heather on September 23, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 23, 2013

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/who-does-that/

Diabetic Cool Feelings

Many, many moons ago I did a Cool Feelings post and i think it’s time for another. You know it’s a Cool Feeling when:

  • You can’t leave work because you blood sugar is too low for you to drive.
  • You are in a public restaurant restroom stall trying to inject some insulin when a teenaged girl pushes on your door and it opens. I overheard her tell her mom that she accidentally walked in on a lady shooting up. I burst out laughing!
  • You hear an older lady behind you at the pharmacy complaining about her $20 prescription and when she sees your total she says, “Holy shit! Sorry I was complaining!”
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by Heather on September 10, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 10, 2013

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2013/09/10/diabetic-cool-feelings/

Here I Go Again

I have been free of a High School kid for two years now. It was very nice while it lasted. I was very thankful for the break. But here I go again!

There is something about kids once they hit that 1st year of High School. They tend to disappear into their rooms only to come out to use the kitchen, the restroom or when they need money. My youngest daughter doesn’t even bother to come downstairs to ask me questions anymore. Now she just texts me. Earlier this week she asked if she could hang out with some friends and when I asked who this is what I got:

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Here I go for round 2 of the teenage years! Lord please help me!

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by Heather on September 7, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 7, 2013

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/here-i-go-again/

Do You Know Where That Finger Has Been?

Tonight my youngest and I went out to dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse. They have the most amazing rolls. Warm, dripping with butter, with a hint of honey, I’ve died and gone to heaven rolls. Pre-diabetes I could eat 3 or 4 of these amazing things. Now I limit myself to one. Don’t be sad for me, I’m happy to be able to eat one without any problems.
Sorry, the warm dripping butter side tracked me. So tonight we went to Logan’s for dinner. Normally I order my food and then go do my diabetic thing in the restroom. Tonight they brought out the bread early so I went ahead and ate my one, warm, butter dripping, hint of honey, I’ve died and gone to heaven roll. Then I ordered and went off to do my thing. My reading was 379! Oh, Hell no!
Now mind you, before I left work an hour and a half before dinner I was at 112. There was no freaking way I was at 379! It dawned on me that the hand I tested was the hand I ate that warm, butter dripping, hint of honey, I’ve died and gone to heaven roll. Instead of taking the directed amount of insulin per my sliding scale, I decided to retest myself. On the other hand! Which I made sure to alcohol scrub extra well. The reading was 161.
So from now on before I test I will be asking myself a very important question. Do you know where that finger has been?

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by Heather on September 3, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 3, 2013

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2013/09/03/do-you-know-where-that-finger-has-been/

Teens, Ya Gotta Love ‘Em

This evening my oldest daughter and I had the pleasure of chaperoning my youngest daughter and 2 of her friends while they went to a local amusement place. This place has an arcade, bowling, laser tag and an indoor glow in the dark golf course. They hung around all night and only came to see me when they were hungry.

I was also the taxi cab driver for the night. I find it hilarious that 13 year old girls think that the people in the front of the car can’t hear their conversations. These girls cracked me up the entire car ride!

Girl #1 – “I can’t do 4 ways anymore. I’m only allowed to do 3 ways now.” (she was talking about phone calls.)
Girl #2 – “Did you see the size of his meatballs?” (she was talking about a boy’s meatball sandwich)

At this point my oldest daughter and I are trying not to crack up. I failed and busted out laughing! Then the girls all screamed, “Oh my God, Mrs. JAM!”
After that they started talking about school and one of the girls said to my youngest daughter “Remember that day in History class when you taught us that poem?”
Then in unison they all chanted:
In 1492
Columbus was a Jew
He sat on the grass
Which tickled his ass
In 1492

I was almost in tears laughing so hard! My youngest daughter said, “See what a great influence you are on us!” That’s the last time I teach her anything!

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by Heather on August 12, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on August 12, 2012

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2012/08/12/teens-ya-gotta-love-em/

Varoom, Varoom

Yesterday my check engine light came on in my car. My poor Lucille is 11 years old with 158,000 miles under her belt. I did a little bit of research on the internet last night looking up some of her symptoms: rough idling, trying to die but then recovering herself, bad gas mileage, etc. With what I read I thought it might be something simple that I could repair myself. I decided I would take it to the local auto store in the morning and have them read the code.

This morning before work I stopped into the local auto store and asked to have the code scanned. It was very early, 7:30 in the morning. There was only one other gentleman in the store besides myself and the female manager. The manager and I were discussing the code my engine gave and I was telling her that I thought it was the EGR valve again and she was explaining that no, it was the IACV and that there were several things that could cause that problem.

The gentleman who was in the store with me was standing behind me during my conversation with the store manager piped in and said, “Damn, that’s hot! Two chicks talking about cars and they know what they are talking about!”

That made my morning!

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by Heather on July 12, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on July 12, 2012

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/varoom-varoom/

To Pee or Not To Pee…

My Girl Scout troop decided they wanted to do their award ceremony at the beach. So last weekend off we went to the beach with the girls and their families. We had tons of food, lots of cold drinks and plenty of laughter to go around.

We also had one thing we didn’t count on… Jellyfish! The first wave of jellies got 2 girls, one was a younger sister and the other was one of our Scouts. The younger sister got hit pretty bad. My 2 Co-leaders and myself sat them down in chairs and gave them ice-cold bottles of water to put on their legs. Then we went to the side and asked the all important question, “Who has the First Aid kit?” Being that this was more of a get together and not an official scout event, none of us grabbed a first aid kit! One of my co-leaders was quick on her toes and called the mother of one girl who was still on her way to the beach, “Stop and buy vinegar!”

In the meantime these two girls were suffering. My two Co-leaders went to their cars, got their cigarettes, outed to everyone that yes they smoke and proceeded to make a tobacco paste to put on the girls legs. That helped for about 5 minutes. My quick thinking co-leader told her daughter, who was the younger sibling victim, to pee on herself. Both girls screamed in disgust! But the young girl broke down and peed on herself. She was back in the water, pain-free with in about 10 minutes.

Now keep in mind, our Scout troop is middle school, 6th-8th grade. These girls are at THAT stage! With that in mind, the other Jellyfish victim, who was one of our Scouts, could not believe what the other girl did. We kept telling her to try it but she would not have anything to do with it. One of the mom’s came up and with a straight face said, “Can I pee on you? I promise you will feel so much better.” I was totally shocked the girl said “Yes,  just get it over with!” The mom proceeded to pee on her. The adults are cracking up at this point! The girl’s face was priceless! She sat there in silence with this look of utter disgust for what seemed like forever and then she screamed, “You peed on me!!!” The mom replied, again with a straight face, “We now have an unspoken bond!”

At this point I am almost to my knees laughing so hard. Then I realize and scream… “That’s MY chair!! You peed in my chair!”

We had many other jellyfish victims afterwards but luckily we had the vinegar. Thank goodness we had the vinegar!

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by Heather on July 9, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on July 9, 2012

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/to-pee-or-not-to-pee/

Field Trip

Today I went with my youngest daughter’s school on a field trip to the Texas Renaissance Festival. It was “school day” so everything was tamed down for the kids. Personally I think they should have had more shows for the kids to see. But, nonetheless the kids had a blast.

In my little group we had myself, another parent and a teacher watching 7 kids. The kids were 7th & 8th graders and they were very well-behaved.

In one of the stores my daughter and her friend bought matching clip on nose/lip rings. The teacher stepped away from the group to use the restroom and when she came back they ran up to her with rings on lips and announced, “Look! Mrs. JustAMom let us get our lips pierced while you were gone!” Thank goodness we have a very cool teacher who thinks my warped sense of humor is very funny!

The best part was the car ride home. I rode with the parent I was grouped with all day and we had 5 girls. As we were driving by a park where a man had committed suicide in his car the girls started talking about how he died. My little angel pipes up in the back of the minivan and announces, “I know how he did it! My mom told me how you can commit suicide with your car!” Then she goes onto explain the steps. The other parent looks and me and just starts laughing.

I am not sure they are going to allow me to be a chaperone in the future!!

Just as a side note..When the guy committed suicide I did explain to my daughter how he used the exhaust fumes from the car to kill himself. I also explained how it was morally wrong to take any life including your own!

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by Heather on November 1, 2011  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on November 1, 2011

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/field-trip/

Halloween

I love Halloween! When I was a kid I would plan for months on what my costume was going to be. I think I only had one store-bought costume, Humpty Dumpty, when I was 4 years old. The rest my mom either sewed or I put it together. To me that was where most of the fun of Halloween was, in conjuring up my costume. One year my friend and I went as Siamese Twin Clown. She was the Good Clown and I was the Evil Clown. Another year I went as a Hobo with a homemade hobo stick bag and my acoustic guitar slung on my back with a  piece of twine string.

I no longer dress up for Halloween. Instead I dress my house up!

This is my house from last year’s Halloween. The Skeleton Head is motion activated and it lights up and talks. It really freaks the little kids out!

Every year we try to add something new and the older kids come by to check us out. This year I want to add plastic baby doll body parts hanging from the tree. Covered in some blood of course! My youngest daughter is not too keen on this idea. She mumbled something about little kids being really scared and having to go home to their toy dolls. She is such a party pooper sometimes!

I took my youngest Halloween window shopping last weekend and we found some pretty awesome things. I did not buy anything but I was really tempted! My favorite was a spider that was just sitting there and when you walked by it jumped up at you! I sat there and watched 5 kids get scared to death before my youngest made me walk away.

Here are some of my favorites that I found in the Halloween store:

My favorite is the Zombie Baby Clown. He is just awesome! That and my oldest really hates clowns!

Hopefully we will be able to decorate this weekend. I can’t wait!

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by Heather on October 5, 2011  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on October 5, 2011

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/halloween/

Never Too Old To Learn

The other day I was with my youngest daughter and some of her friends and we started talking about rainbows. I brought up Roy G. Biv and I think my daughter was the only one who knew what it stood for. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet.

This started another discussion on directions. North, East, South and West. I learned that NESW was Never Eat Shredded Wheat. My daughter said she learned Never Eat Soggy Waffles. Then one of the other girls said her 2nd grade teacher taught her that it was Never, Ever Smoke Weed!

You learn something new everyday!

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by Heather on September 13, 2011  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 13, 2011

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/never-too-old-to-learn/

I Am 10 Weeks and Craving Twix!

If you have been on Facebook for any length of time you have probably received a message stating to post something that only women would understand for Breast Cancer Awareness. The latest one is as follows:

Ok pretty ladies, it’s that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! So we all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status?…..or the way we like to have our handbag handy? Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and, the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we’re doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status’ mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste (in a message )this to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part… now YOUR turn ! Go on ladies…and let’s have all the males guessing! .. It’s time to confuse the men again (not that it’s really that hard to do :)) Everyone knows it makes their brains work wonders on what we’re talking about!! The idea is to choose the month you were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the GIRLS ONLY and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round all over the world. So you’ll write… I’m (your birth month) weeks and I’m craving (your birth date)!!! as your status. Example: Feb 14th: I’m 2 weeks and craving Chocolate mints!!
January-1week, Febuary-2 weeks, March-3 weeks, April-4 weeks, May-8 weeks, June-9 weeks, July-10 weeks, August-12 weeks, September-13 weeks, October-14 weeks, November-16 weeks, December-18 weeks.
Days of the month: 1-Skittles, 2-Starburst, 3-Kit-Kat, 4-M&M’s, 5-Galaxy, 6-Crunchie, 7-Dairy Milk, 8-Lollipop, 9-Peanut Butter Cups, 10-Meat Balls, 11-Twizzlers, 12-Bubble Gum, 13-Hershey’s Kisses, 14-Chocolate Mints, 15-Twix, 16-Resse’s Fastbreak, 17-Fudge, 18-Cherry Jello, 19-Milkyway, 20-Pickels, 21-Creme Eggs, 22-Skittles, 23-Gummy Bears, 24-Gummy Worms, 25-Strawberry Pop Tarts, 26-Starburst, 27-Mini Eggs, 28-Kit-Kat Chunky, 29-Double Chocolate Chip Crunchy Cookies, 30-Smarties, 31-Chocolate Cake.

This afternoon I received an e-mail from my mother-in-law and she was asking what was going on with my oldest daughter. She asked me if my daughter was pregnant and if so when was I planning on telling my husband. She said my sister-in-law had called her because of a Facebook posting that my daughter had made.

I had no earthly idea what the heck they were talking about and I know for a fact that my oldest is not pregnant! Geesh, it was just the other day my daughter stopped by the house to steal some pads from me. It sucks not having a job!

I went and looked at my daughter’s Facebook profile and sure enough it said: “I am 10 weeks and craving Twix!”

I knew exactly what this was for and I just busted out laughing! I emailed my mother-in-law back and told her it was just a Facebook Breast Cancer Awareness joke. Her response was simply “Not funny!!!”

I thought it was very funny. Actually, I found it downright hilarious! I’m sorry, but if you see something posted on Facebook take it with a grain of salt!

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by Heather on September 11, 2011  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 11, 2011

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2011/09/11/i-am-10-weeks-and-craving-twix/

Video Of The Week

The Muppets & Danny Kaye

 

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by Heather on November 13, 2010  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on November 13, 2010

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2010/11/13/video-of-the-week-72/

Kids… What More Can You Say!

This past Monday I had the pleasure of taking the day off from work to attend a mandatory conference day at my youngest daughter’s school. It basically works like this: we have a set conference time for about 15 minutes where you talk to the Homeroom teacher, of whom at our small Catholic school we either talk to or e-mail everyday, we get our report card and then we leave and have the rest of the day off. Sweet and simple!

This year my youngest daughter has not been trying her hardest. I have noticed it and so has her teachers. She has a total of 6 different teachers now that she is in Junior High and her Social Studies teacher and her English teacher both made a comment on her report card about her lack of trying and how it didn’t seem to bother her as long as she was passing the class. Her Homeroom teacher and I talked to her about these comments. I told her that she needed to raise the bar on her standards and that she should try a little harder with her school work. Her Homeroom teacher made a comment about how she needed to try harder now so that when it came time to start looking at colleges she would be well prepared grade wise.

My youngest daughter looked her Homeroom teacher in the eye and said, “All I have to do is pass, I’m only going to go to a Junior College anyway!”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or go crawl into a hole!

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by Heather on October 26, 2010  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on October 26, 2010

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2010/10/26/kids-what-more-can-you-say/

Stupid Fish!

The other afternoon after lunch I opened my personal email and this is what I found in my inbox:

Hello 6th Grade Parents,
Sorry for the mass e-mail, but I wanted you all to know what we talked about in class today in case questions come up tonight.
Overnight my classroom fish had babies, and we are talking about genetics in class. This led to many interesting questions (the kids are so bright), some of which involved reproduction. We did not go into details, but I did say that some of the questions should be fielded toward the parents. I tried to keep anything we talked about scientific in nature. The questions ranged in topic from how fish have babies (I said the same way humans do) to if a boy fish can have babies with more than one mommy (my answer was that it could happen) to if a brother and sister fish could have babies (I said they could, but you are more likely to see genetic diseases in the baby). If you have any concerns, please address them with me. I want to help answer their inquirys, but of course keep the questions and answers appropriate and focused. I know some of the kids asked me how much longer we will be on the topic of genetics, and my answer to that is after tomorrow, we will be talking about plants (hopefully a much safer topic!)I just thought it might be nice to have a heads up in case the questions make their way home.
I found this just way too funny and luckily my daughter did not have any questions for me! In fact I told her about the email I received and she said, “I don’t have any questions and please don’t tell me anything else about them!!”
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by Heather on September 17, 2010  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 17, 2010

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/stupid-fish/

John Mayer Concert

I took my daughters and my oldest daughter’s friend and her mother to the John Mayer concert on Sunday, September the 5th. I only have one word to describe it: AWESOME!

We had a total blast! The girls decided to make t-shirts for the concert. My youngest daughter painted “John is in the House” on her shirt. The two older girls put “Peace, Love & Mayer” on theirs. My oldest daughter showed me hers and she misspelled Mayer. She put Meyer! We cracked up like crazy! Then her friend showed us her shirt and she too misspelled Mayer! She put Mayor! They wore them anyway, fools! We told them they were going to have to walk around with signs that said “Public Education!”

Owl City opened up for John Mayer and I was not too impressed with them. All of their music sounded the same in my opinion.

I was on my feet all night long! He played a ton of awesome guitar and the rest of his band was just as great. The best part was that the people really got into the concert. We all had fun!

Perfectly Lonely ~ My Favorite Song!

Free Falling

Next weekend we have Jonas Brothers with Demi Lovato and Camp Rock!

 

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by Heather on September 6, 2010  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on September 6, 2010

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2010/09/06/john-mayer-concert/

Homework, Homework, Homework!

My youngest daughter started 6th grade about 2 weeks ago. She has attended the same Catholic School since Pre-K. She has a very small class, under 20 kids and all of us parents talk to each other.

This year we have 2 new teachers that will be teaching our kids. Both of these teachers are 1st year teachers to boot. During “Meet the Teacher” we parents ganged up on the new teachers about homework. We made it loud and clear that we would not tolerate a ton of homework every night. I figure 30 minutes per subject is more than enough per night. That puts us at about 2 hours a night of homework.

This past Monday my daughter came home and jumped right on her homework. She started at 3:30 and at 5:00 I asked her what she had left to do. She told me that so far she had only been working on English and that she had Math and Science to still do. UMMM….I don’t think so!

I went straight up to the computer and e-mailed all the class parents about the complete overload of English homework. I wanted to make sure I was not alone in my opinion before I e-mailed the teacher. I was not alone at all! Each and every one of us sent an e-mail off to the teacher to let him know that this was unacceptable.

The next day we had the same problem!! So we parents got together again but this time we moved on up the ladder to the principal. Hey, we warned the teacher at the Meet the Teacher! You just don’t mess with the 6th grade parents!

I received an e-mail this morning from this same teacher about my daughter’s spelling homework. They had to use their spelling words in a sentence and he said he did not appreciate me giving my daughter sentences to write down. I replied back to Mr. 1st Year Teacher that I do not do my child’s homework and as a matter of fact, I did not even look over her sentences because I was too busy sending off e-mails to other class parents that night! I made sure I copied the principal as well!

The Spelling word was: chaos

My daughter’s sentence was: Too much homework causes chaos in my house!

I love my daughter! I have taught her well!

5 Comments
by Heather on August 25, 2010  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on August 25, 2010

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/homework-homework-homework/

Trolls

This afternoon we took my youngest daughter bowling. At our bowling alley they have these little gumball machines that are always filled with cool little toys. Today we hit the jackpot!! They had Trolls in the machines. So for a mere $1.50 we bought 6 Trolls.

Now do you remember that my oldest daughter hates Gnomes? Well she hates Trolls just as much. So of course my youngest daughter and I had to do something with our new-found Troll friends!

We put them in my oldest daughter’s room. Unfortunatley she came home early but we got her anyway! She screamed when she saw the following!

 

It would have had a more dramatic effect if it had been late at night! But our evil Troll plan worked out just fine none the less! <Insert Evil Laughter Here>

2 Comments
by Heather on August 5, 2010  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on August 5, 2010

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2010/08/05/trolls/

Just Another Day At The Zoo..

I love playing “What If” with my kiddos. My youngest one likes to play with me as well. My oldest one gets VERY FREAKED out which just adds fuel to fire!

The other day I took my daughters to the Zoo. We were walking around by the elephants when I decided to say, “What If… the animals were really watching us instead of us watching them? You know, what if WE are the exhibits?”

Freaked my oldest one out beyond belief. We even had the elephant zookeeper laughing at us! Then my youngest daughter points to a sign that was right next to us:

The other thing my oldest daughter hates is Gnomes! I love my Gnomes. Believe it or not at the Zoo we found not only one but two Gnomes!!

The first Gnome was found in the Reptile exhibit. He was cute and very cheerful and luckily for me there was no snake in the exhibit with him at the time! I hate snakes!!

 

The second Gnome was found in the Bird exhibit. We found him in an exhibit that was being worked on. I love this little guy! He has pure evil written all over his face. I can almost hear his evil chuckle. Oh, wait, I think that is my inner evil chuckle I am hearing! Can’t you just picture this little guy picking up the hammer that is near him and doing some major damage around him?

I love the Zoo!

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by Heather on July 30, 2010  •  Permalink
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Posted by Heather on July 30, 2010

https://purplecoloredglasses.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/just-another-day-at-the-zoo/

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