Return of Chris the Mouse

Several years ago my youngest daughter came to me and asked why she didn’t have an Elf that visits her. Some fool had introduced her to Elf On A Shelf. To this day we are still trying to figure out which parent to hang for this atrocity! That year there was not a single Elf On A Shelf to be found in my area and so Chris the Mouse was born.
As with all kids, my daughter grew up and Chris the Mouse stopped coming down to Texas on his Christmas vacation. That was until last night.
Sadly the past few years have not been good for him. I found out that Santa had to cut his labor force due to Obama Care and well, Chris the Mouse has not handled it well. He has turned to drinking and apparently he doesn’t handle his booze well. I don’t want to be around when he finds out that the severance pay he got is nothing but a freaking candy bar!

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Diabetic Cool Feelings

Many, many moons ago I did a Cool Feelings post and i think it’s time for another. You know it’s a Cool Feeling when:

  • You can’t leave work because you blood sugar is too low for you to drive.
  • You are in a public restaurant restroom stall trying to inject some insulin when a teenaged girl pushes on your door and it opens. I overheard her tell her mom that she accidentally walked in on a lady shooting up. I burst out laughing!
  • You hear an older lady behind you at the pharmacy complaining about her $20 prescription and when she sees your total she says, “Holy shit! Sorry I was complaining!”

Here I Go Again

I have been free of a High School kid for two years now. It was very nice while it lasted. I was very thankful for the break. But here I go again!

There is something about kids once they hit that 1st year of High School. They tend to disappear into their rooms only to come out to use the kitchen, the restroom or when they need money. My youngest daughter doesn’t even bother to come downstairs to ask me questions anymore. Now she just texts me. Earlier this week she asked if she could hang out with some friends and when I asked who this is what I got:

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Here I go for round 2 of the teenage years! Lord please help me!

Teens, Ya Gotta Love ‘Em

This evening my oldest daughter and I had the pleasure of chaperoning my youngest daughter and 2 of her friends while they went to a local amusement place. This place has an arcade, bowling, laser tag and an indoor glow in the dark golf course. They hung around all night and only came to see me when they were hungry.

I was also the taxi cab driver for the night. I find it hilarious that 13 year old girls think that the people in the front of the car can’t hear their conversations. These girls cracked me up the entire car ride!

Girl #1 – “I can’t do 4 ways anymore. I’m only allowed to do 3 ways now.” (she was talking about phone calls.)
Girl #2 – “Did you see the size of his meatballs?” (she was talking about a boy’s meatball sandwich)

At this point my oldest daughter and I are trying not to crack up. I failed and busted out laughing! Then the girls all screamed, “Oh my God, Mrs. JAM!”
After that they started talking about school and one of the girls said to my youngest daughter “Remember that day in History class when you taught us that poem?”
Then in unison they all chanted:
In 1492
Columbus was a Jew
He sat on the grass
Which tickled his ass
In 1492

I was almost in tears laughing so hard! My youngest daughter said, “See what a great influence you are on us!” That’s the last time I teach her anything!

Varoom, Varoom

Yesterday my check engine light came on in my car. My poor Lucille is 11 years old with 158,000 miles under her belt. I did a little bit of research on the internet last night looking up some of her symptoms: rough idling, trying to die but then recovering herself, bad gas mileage, etc. With what I read I thought it might be something simple that I could repair myself. I decided I would take it to the local auto store in the morning and have them read the code.

This morning before work I stopped into the local auto store and asked to have the code scanned. It was very early, 7:30 in the morning. There was only one other gentleman in the store besides myself and the female manager. The manager and I were discussing the code my engine gave and I was telling her that I thought it was the EGR valve again and she was explaining that no, it was the IACV and that there were several things that could cause that problem.

The gentleman who was in the store with me was standing behind me during my conversation with the store manager piped in and said, “Damn, that’s hot! Two chicks talking about cars and they know what they are talking about!”

That made my morning!

To Pee or Not To Pee…

My Girl Scout troop decided they wanted to do their award ceremony at the beach. So last weekend off we went to the beach with the girls and their families. We had tons of food, lots of cold drinks and plenty of laughter to go around.

We also had one thing we didn’t count on… Jellyfish! The first wave of jellies got 2 girls, one was a younger sister and the other was one of our Scouts. The younger sister got hit pretty bad. My 2 Co-leaders and myself sat them down in chairs and gave them ice-cold bottles of water to put on their legs. Then we went to the side and asked the all important question, “Who has the First Aid kit?” Being that this was more of a get together and not an official scout event, none of us grabbed a first aid kit! One of my co-leaders was quick on her toes and called the mother of one girl who was still on her way to the beach, “Stop and buy vinegar!”

In the meantime these two girls were suffering. My two Co-leaders went to their cars, got their cigarettes, outed to everyone that yes they smoke and proceeded to make a tobacco paste to put on the girls legs. That helped for about 5 minutes. My quick thinking co-leader told her daughter, who was the younger sibling victim, to pee on herself. Both girls screamed in disgust! But the young girl broke down and peed on herself. She was back in the water, pain-free with in about 10 minutes.

Now keep in mind, our Scout troop is middle school, 6th-8th grade. These girls are at THAT stage! With that in mind, the other Jellyfish victim, who was one of our Scouts, could not believe what the other girl did. We kept telling her to try it but she would not have anything to do with it. One of the mom’s came up and with a straight face said, “Can I pee on you? I promise you will feel so much better.” I was totally shocked the girl said “Yes,  just get it over with!” The mom proceeded to pee on her. The adults are cracking up at this point! The girl’s face was priceless! She sat there in silence with this look of utter disgust for what seemed like forever and then she screamed, “You peed on me!!!” The mom replied, again with a straight face, “We now have an unspoken bond!”

At this point I am almost to my knees laughing so hard. Then I realize and scream… “That’s MY chair!! You peed in my chair!”

We had many other jellyfish victims afterwards but luckily we had the vinegar. Thank goodness we had the vinegar!

Video Of The Week

The Muppets & Danny Kaye

 

Stupid Fish!

The other afternoon after lunch I opened my personal email and this is what I found in my inbox:

Hello 6th Grade Parents,
Sorry for the mass e-mail, but I wanted you all to know what we talked about in class today in case questions come up tonight.
Overnight my classroom fish had babies, and we are talking about genetics in class. This led to many interesting questions (the kids are so bright), some of which involved reproduction. We did not go into details, but I did say that some of the questions should be fielded toward the parents. I tried to keep anything we talked about scientific in nature. The questions ranged in topic from how fish have babies (I said the same way humans do) to if a boy fish can have babies with more than one mommy (my answer was that it could happen) to if a brother and sister fish could have babies (I said they could, but you are more likely to see genetic diseases in the baby). If you have any concerns, please address them with me. I want to help answer their inquirys, but of course keep the questions and answers appropriate and focused. I know some of the kids asked me how much longer we will be on the topic of genetics, and my answer to that is after tomorrow, we will be talking about plants (hopefully a much safer topic!)I just thought it might be nice to have a heads up in case the questions make their way home.
I found this just way too funny and luckily my daughter did not have any questions for me! In fact I told her about the email I received and she said, “I don’t have any questions and please don’t tell me anything else about them!!”

Homework, Homework, Homework!

My youngest daughter started 6th grade about 2 weeks ago. She has attended the same Catholic School since Pre-K. She has a very small class, under 20 kids and all of us parents talk to each other.

This year we have 2 new teachers that will be teaching our kids. Both of these teachers are 1st year teachers to boot. During “Meet the Teacher” we parents ganged up on the new teachers about homework. We made it loud and clear that we would not tolerate a ton of homework every night. I figure 30 minutes per subject is more than enough per night. That puts us at about 2 hours a night of homework.

This past Monday my daughter came home and jumped right on her homework. She started at 3:30 and at 5:00 I asked her what she had left to do. She told me that so far she had only been working on English and that she had Math and Science to still do. UMMM….I don’t think so!

I went straight up to the computer and e-mailed all the class parents about the complete overload of English homework. I wanted to make sure I was not alone in my opinion before I e-mailed the teacher. I was not alone at all! Each and every one of us sent an e-mail off to the teacher to let him know that this was unacceptable.

The next day we had the same problem!! So we parents got together again but this time we moved on up the ladder to the principal. Hey, we warned the teacher at the Meet the Teacher! You just don’t mess with the 6th grade parents!

I received an e-mail this morning from this same teacher about my daughter’s spelling homework. They had to use their spelling words in a sentence and he said he did not appreciate me giving my daughter sentences to write down. I replied back to Mr. 1st Year Teacher that I do not do my child’s homework and as a matter of fact, I did not even look over her sentences because I was too busy sending off e-mails to other class parents that night! I made sure I copied the principal as well!

The Spelling word was: chaos

My daughter’s sentence was: Too much homework causes chaos in my house!

I love my daughter! I have taught her well!

Trolls

This afternoon we took my youngest daughter bowling. At our bowling alley they have these little gumball machines that are always filled with cool little toys. Today we hit the jackpot!! They had Trolls in the machines. So for a mere $1.50 we bought 6 Trolls.

Now do you remember that my oldest daughter hates Gnomes? Well she hates Trolls just as much. So of course my youngest daughter and I had to do something with our new-found Troll friends!

We put them in my oldest daughter’s room. Unfortunatley she came home early but we got her anyway! She screamed when she saw the following!

 

It would have had a more dramatic effect if it had been late at night! But our evil Troll plan worked out just fine none the less! <Insert Evil Laughter Here>

Just Another Day At The Zoo..

I love playing “What If” with my kiddos. My youngest one likes to play with me as well. My oldest one gets VERY FREAKED out which just adds fuel to fire!

The other day I took my daughters to the Zoo. We were walking around by the elephants when I decided to say, “What If… the animals were really watching us instead of us watching them? You know, what if WE are the exhibits?”

Freaked my oldest one out beyond belief. We even had the elephant zookeeper laughing at us! Then my youngest daughter points to a sign that was right next to us:

The other thing my oldest daughter hates is Gnomes! I love my Gnomes. Believe it or not at the Zoo we found not only one but two Gnomes!!

The first Gnome was found in the Reptile exhibit. He was cute and very cheerful and luckily for me there was no snake in the exhibit with him at the time! I hate snakes!!

 

The second Gnome was found in the Bird exhibit. We found him in an exhibit that was being worked on. I love this little guy! He has pure evil written all over his face. I can almost hear his evil chuckle. Oh, wait, I think that is my inner evil chuckle I am hearing! Can’t you just picture this little guy picking up the hammer that is near him and doing some major damage around him?

I love the Zoo!

Never A Dull Moment!

I have been busy, busy, busy, for the past few weeks. It seems like every time I turn around we have something to do!

Softball

My youngest daughter has been playing softball this spring. Her team was made up mostly with what I call the “leftover” girls. The majority of them were young and a lot of them had never played softball before. We also had a first time coach.

The girls formed a great team and played their little hearts out. They ended up 3rd in the league but they really deserved 2nd. During the last game the other team did not have all of their players so they had 4 girls sub for them. I know for a fact that these 4 girls do not play in the 10 and under age group but they play in the 12 and under age group. The level just above our girls! We are appealing the last game but I don’t think it will do any good! 

I thought I was in for a season with a bunch of Upity Softball Moms but after a few weeks they surprised me. They turned out to be a great bunch of moms and we bonded over bad umpires! During the last game we were yelling so much at the umpires horrible calls that we were told to shut up or they would throw us out of the park!

The home plate ump made a bad call on our catcher who tagged a girl coming home and our catcher got so mad she started crying! Her dad got up and used the famous line: “Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There’s no crying! THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!” She stood up and looked at her dad and said, “Dad, this is softball!

Next year we move up in an age group along with 4 other girls that were on our team. Hopefully they can all get put on the same team!

School Stuff

The end of my girls school year is coming quickly. My youngest gets out next week and my oldest the week after that. We have been busy with all sorts of school programs and meetings about next year.

My oldest daughter will be a Senior in high school next year. I had to go to a meeting the other night about class pictures and volunteering my life away for the next year. One of the class projects they talked about was selling bottled water at this years graduation. They want every now junior to bring in a case of bottled water and put it in their class principals office. This principal will also be moving up with them next yea.

I received a phone call from this principal yesterday afternoon. The conversation went something like this:

Principal: “Hi there Mrs. So & So. You are the parent of (oldest daughter) right?
Me: “Yes I am? Is there a problem?”
Principal: “No, there is no problem as of right now. I understand that you were at our parent meeting the other night and you heard about our bottled water project. I have your daughter sitting here in my office because I overheard her sharing a great idea with some friends that her mom had for this little project.”
Me: At this point I am getting really nervous!
Principal: “Mrs. So & So, I don’t think the kids need any help finding a Senior Prank to pull off. I also think they should wait until they are actual Seniors to pull it off.”
Me: ” I am sorry I told my daughter what I did and I assure you that if anyone tries to pull it off I will come up to your office and clean it up. Is my daughter in trouble?”
Principal: “No, she is not in trouble and I will hold you to your offer!” (Now she is laughing) “I have to admit, it was a great prank idea!”
 

At the meeting when they were talking about bringing in the cases of bottled water I leaned over and said to my daughter: “Wouldn’t it be funny if you guys all put a little pin hole in some of the bottles so that they leaked all over her office!”

I had no idea this child would take this idea and try to run with it!! Her little sister would run with it like crazy but not my oldest daughter! I guess all these years she really was paying attention to me! Oh Crap!!

My Little Informer

I finally broke down last week and set my youngest daughter up on Facebook. I have her password and she is not allowed to add anyone or any application without checking with me first. So far she has done a great job on following the rules.

Unlike my oldest daughter! My oldest daughter got in trouble for something about 3 months ago. I honestly don’t remember what she did but we took away her internet access. We have been nice enough to let her try and earn her way back onto the computer. We have been letting her have an hour of internet use once we are home.

My youngest daughter has used her new Facebook access to rat out her oldest sister. She sent me this message this past Tuesday:

facebook
(Youngest daughter)sent you a message.
May 11, 2010 at 4:51pm
Subject: ?
mommy when ever i got on face book at 4:44 or when ever i was looking at something i noticed that (oldest daughter) posted something an hour ago so that means at 3:33 if it was an hour ago so i think she as been getting on the computer before me and daddy get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH! happy mothers tuesday i love u !
 

 I have trained my little one well!!

Falling Off The Wagon

Two and a half weeks ago I had a little accident and I am sure I cracked at least one rib.I have been trying to take it easy on myself since.  I tried exercising once last week and I thought I was going to DIE! Every time I tried to breathe my ribs shot a pain through me that was worse than child-birth or even kidney stones, both of which I have endured more than once!

After that I said SCREW IT! I started hitting the sauce again. I know, I should have been stronger than that but I caved in. Maybe I should have called some one for help to talk me down, but I didn’t.

I have been hitting the sauce pretty hard too. I have had a nice cold one almost every night since I caved in.

Wednesday we took our boat out and went fishing and my ribs felt pretty good. They are still a little tender, but not bad. Yesterday and today I even managed to ride my bike again. I made it the entire 5 miles and I felt great afterwards. It’s amazing how good exercise makes me feel!

So now I must stop hitting the sauce. It will be a hard battle but I have done it before and I can do it again. I think I gained 10 pounds on my little down fall but I will shed that pretty quick I am sure.

So as of tonight I will NOT have my ICE CREAM and CHOCOLATE SAUCE!!

Peeved, PMS, or Just Old & Cranky…

Or maybe it’s a deadly combination of all three!!!! It seems like lately I have a very short fuse and everybody around me has a damn match!

  • Toilet paper ~I swear I must be the only person in my house and at work who knows how to change the stupid toilet paper! If it’s empty change it! If it’s almost gone go get another roll and put it on the tank lid.
  • Trash Cans ~ If the kitchen trash can is full take it out! Remove the full bag, tie it up and place it in the outside can. Then get a new bag and place it in the kitchen can! Do not keep stuffing it down and hoping that nothing will fall out! Which brings me to my next bullet point…
  • Kitchen Floor ~ If you drop something on the floor PICK IT UP!! Do not ignore it and walk away and hope that it learns how to walk into the trash can! That broom in the pantry likes to be used and it also comes with a handy-dandy dust pan!
  • The Carpet ~ Just like the Kitchen floors..If you drop it, pick it up! Or better yet grab that machine called the vacuum cleaner that is kept in the hall closet!
  • Dishes ~ If they are clean they belong in the cabinets. If they are dirty they belong in the dishwasher!
  • Stuff ~ If you bring it downstairs from your room, make sure it goes back up to your room by the end of the day!

I apologise for my slight mental breakdown. I will now go pop 2 Midol and see you in the morning! Or wait do I need a Xanax? Or maybe I just need a good old-fashioned dose of Geritol!

The Language Of Kids

I have come to notice that kids have their own language. You see when I say something it pretty much means what comes out of my mouth. If I tell them to take out the garbage it means Take Out The Garbage! 

This morning I was in the kitchen making lunches and my oldest daughter came in and asked me, “Do you need any help?” I turned and laughed at her and said, “It’s not going to get you to school any earlier if you help me out!” She couldn’t figure out how I knew what she really meant. She hates it when I can understand her language! 

Here are some other examples: 

  • “Mom, do you need any help cooking dinner”  really means I have a TV show that starts at 7 can you hurry up?
  • “Mom, do you need to go to the store today?” really means I am out of chewing gum can you get me some?
  • “Mom, can you help me with my book report?” really means I waited until the last-minute to do this. Can you do it for me?
  • “Mom, are you going anywhere today?” really means Can you take me to the mall?

I am also fluent in mumble!

The Dating Game

My oldest daughter, who is 17, has had “boyfriends” before but they never go out on dates. At least not what I consider a real date. They usually just hang out around my house and watch television or hang out at the park or the mall.

Well last Wednesday my daughter came home from school all excited. I knew something was up because school is never exciting! She was asked out on a real date! They planned to go to the movies after school on that Friday. She was nice enough to double-check with me if she could go which I had no problem with. I really appreciated the fact that she asked me first.

The boy who asked her out on a date has his own car. It’s an old black Trans Am. I am a little jealous of his car! My daughter has gotten a ride home from school a couple of times with him so I felt alright with him driving her around.

The afternoon of the big date I went about my normal business and I didn’t really think much about my oldest daughter being out. I have raised her well and whatever choices she makes are hers to make and she knows I am here if she ever needs me. My husband on the other hand was having a bit of a fit and he kept worrying about her. I half expected him to be waiting for them on the door step when they got home.

My youngest daughter beat him to the door step! My oldest daughter and her date pulled up in front of our house and there was my little one sitting there waiting for them! The boy got out of his car and walked over to my oldest daughter and gave her a …hug!

I thought my oldest daughter was going to kill her little sister! If looks could kill my little one would definitely be 10 feet under!

Random Babbling

I have way too many little things flying through my head right now so I thought I would just do a babbling post! Ok see, I said “flying through my head” and I instantly thought of The Flying Monkeys in the Wizard of Oz! 

  • Sunday was Valentine’s Day and my husband did good. He bought each of our daughters a single red rose and he bought me a dozen red tulips. Now for the bad part, apparently my youngest daughter and I don’t do well with tulips in the house. Our allergies are killing us! It started yesterday when they started to bloom and today we are just miserable! I hate to get rid of them but I don’t know how much more we can take!
  • Yesterday I started working and like any office there is drama! Apparently I am taking over for a lady who is being moved to the front desk and she is not happy about it either. Also it seems like for the most part the people who work for this company are pranksters. The first thing they did was ask if I was a coffee drinker. I of course said hook me up to the IV. Apparently there is the great “How Strong Should the Coffee Be” debate going on at this office between the guys and gals. Yesterday the guys made the coffee for the “newcomer” and let me tell you it was strong! They started laughing when I said I took my coffee black, but I drank it without a single complaint and I drank more than one cup. I will however have to tell them that I think I found a new chest hair this morning!
  • Last night we met my youngest daughter’s new softball coach. For the record I am not a “Softball Mom!” I go to practices and the games but I don’t color code my clothes to the teams uniform and I don’t do the Team Mom shirt with the Bling. That just ain’t me! When my daughter is at bat I tell her to picture her older sister or her dad’s head, whichever has pissed her off the most lately, coming at her. She is usually good for a base hit when I do that! Ok, back to our new coach, I have nicknamed her Little Miss Sunshine. She is one of those overly nice people. She talked about how we would root for the other team when they made a good play and how the umpire is always right and we should thank him for helping us. My youngest daughter got in the car after the meeting and she said “We are going to lose a lot of games!” I laughed and told her, “at least you guys will be Happy Losers!”
  • My oldest daughter is “Not talking” to me. I think I blinked at her by mistake yesterday when she mentioned getting back together with an ex-boyfriend. I don’t like the arrogant, self-centered, egotistical kid and I swear I didn’t say a single thing to my daughter about my opinion of him. I know better than to do that! Last night she said “I don’t care what you think of him, you are just going to have to put up with him!” I think that is when I blinked and it has been nice and quiet ever since! Ahhhh…

Run Dorothy! Run or the flying monkeys will get you! by wvdirtboy (ilikegooglebetter).

What A Bunch Of Sickies

Apparently in our community we have Type A Flu, Strep Throat, and the Stomach Flu going around. This is text from an actual e-mail that my youngest daughter’s school sent out this past Wednesday at 10:22 am: 

Parents,
 
We have many students who are coming down with the Type A Flu.  Please be aware of your child’s health before sending them to school.  Many students are coming to school congested but having to leave with a high fever within an hour of school beginning.  They have then contaminated the whole class. If your child is ill and they have not had the flu shot,  be aware that they could be coming down with something that needs a doctor’s care.
 
We also have the stomach flu and Strep throat going around.
 
If your child is ill please keep them home.  If they are running a fever or throwing up keep them home until they are clear for 24 hours.   This will help all of us maintain a healthy environment.
  

  

You would think this would be common sense. It is to me at least! Oh don’t forget I send my youngest to private school! 

I guess the school figured out that there was not a lot of common sense even among our group because here is text from another e-mail I received on Wednesday, yes the same day, at 11:31 am: 

Parents,
 
To help stop the spread of illness in the school we are shutting off the water fountains tomorrow.  Despite our continued warnings, the students still tend to put their mouth on the water-spout.
 
I am asking parents to bring in a case of water bottles per family.  The PreK and K classes will need the half pint bottles (or gallon jugs and we will provide the cups). 
  
Illness is spreading through our community, it is not just at our school. Please be mindful of this as you go shopping, out to eat or out in public.
  
Please contact the school office for any questions or other suggestions.

 

For the record they did shut off the drinking fountains and they also wrapped them with caution tape! I crack up every time I see them! 

Of course this is the same school that, in order to save a little money, made posters at the beginning of the year that said: 

Cough and Cover!

The kids had a blast with those signs!

Video & Question(s) Of The Week

Doritos® – Crash the Super Bowl 2010 Finalist –

House Rules

 

Questions of the week: Will you be watching the Super Bowl game? Which team are you pulling for? Do you watch the Super Bowl for the game itself, the commercials or the half time show?