Where Do I Even Start?!

Dear Mrs. ~,

Hi, my name is Thomas and I’ve gone out wit ur daughter many times and when when we break up its because really what she has told me is that you dont really approve of me dating your daughter . I jus wanted to let u know that I love your daughter with all my heart and I care about her so much and I would do anything to be with her. She stole my heart the first time her and me met and I really want to be with her. She is the first person I have ever fell in love with. The first person to ever make me feel whole and without I’m a half im nothing without ur daughter and I want to be the one to make her happy and I love her so much and as much as I care about her is as much as I care about you approving of her and me being together. Well hope you have a wonderful and a great.

Thomas

The above is an actual e-mail I received from one of my oldest daughter’s ex-boyfriends. For the record, my daughter dated him twice and she wants nothing to do with him. I told her when I first met him that I did not really like him that much but I never told my daughter that she could not date him. She told the boy that I did not approve of him so that he would go away! I have trained her well!

I have not yet replied to Thomas,  quite frankly I don’t know where to start! I think this just might work:

Dear Thomas,

Thank you very much for your e-mail regarding your feelings for my daughter. I would really like to know who your English teacher is because I want to make sure my daughter never gets him or her.

I have talked to my daughter and she really does not want to go out with you again. Since you claim my daughter has stolen your heart I have asked her to return it immediately.

If you continue to bother my daughter I will have to hand matters over to her father. Mr. ~ is very busy doing his Spring Cleaning right now which mainly consists of cleaning his guns. I must forewarn you that Mr. ~ gets really upset when we interrupt his Spring Cleaning.

Sincerely,

Mrs. ~